A confession to make

Whenever I'm starting to feel that "happiness" again, Why do I feel that there's something missing? That something's not right? It doesn't fit or feel right? Why do I feel I'm far from getting over you? It's never ending - those memories we had together. I can't fill in the gap. It's never easy to run away from all the things that reminds me of you. I know. I've been there. I've done that. 

I did things I wanted to do since the start that he'd forbidden me to. Got inked. Be with my friends that he hates. Go out somewhere. Buy things I want. Wear clothes I like. Meet new people. Go out on a date.I was happy. I am happy. Real happiness came into me. Friends told me, "Anong naisip mo?" "Cool! Gusto ko din" "Hectic ang sched ah." "Tatawanan ka lang niya." "Iisipin niya, dahil iniwan ka niya nagpapakapariwara ka" The hell I care about what others might tell. About what he will tell. He doesn't care anyway. Everything's over between us anyway. I did those for him not to come back. I did those for him to hate me. I did those not for him to laugh at me. I did those because I am now free. I have all the time in my life now to enjoy.

No doubt, I was happy. I'm busy making my life happy, but when it comes to a point when I'm all alone, there's the gap I can't fill. The emptiness  can feel. For the past months, I just realized that I am so not over him. 

I wanted to have a boyfriend, then today I realized God knows I am not yet ready. I know for a fact that I am not yet ready to get into another relationship again. Not now, not soon. People around me tells the same. Denial at first, then I guess they are true. Ayoko ipiit na papaniwalain ang sarili ko sa bagay na mas madami ang against sa naiisip ko. Kasi siguro tama sila, Yun ang nakikita nila. I do believe, that if God knows I am ready, He'll give me the right man. But the men I coincide, are the opposite. I don't want to make the same mistake like my past did. I don't want to ruin somebody else's affair. 

I didn't write this to make him feel good. I did this because I can and I want. 

I won't rush things. I'll let things the way it should be. Di ko na ipipilit ang gusto ko. LORD, Ikaw na po bahala.